I’ve been a father now for four months, and with the end of the year upon us it seemed like as good a time as any to document some truths I’ve learned so far. Some of these may be obvious and universal, while others may be unique to my daughter.

• Drool, while gross will dry clear and without any noticeable odor; spitup however is another story.
• Even though the distinction may seem academic, spitup is NOT vomit.
• Speaking of spitup, the smell of spitup is pervasive, it gets into your pores and can seemingly persist forever.
• Every time you think you’ve identified a pattern in your baby’s behavior, they change.
• Trying to switch which hand is supporting your baby’s weight while they’re asleep in your arms is like Indiana Jones swapping a bag of sand for a golden idol. And your chances of success are about the same.
• The search for a perpetually renewable energy source is over - when my daughter is tired and angry she can cry forever. Despite the obvious effort it takes to cry, and her obvious state of exhaustion I don’t believe she would ever stop.
• My daughter has an incredibly well developed internal altimeter - if holding her and standing up, odds are she’s happy. If you sit down no matter how still you hold her, and how good of a job you do ensuring she’s in the EXACT same position, she WILL start crying.
• At this time in her life, no one makes funnier sounds that are almost always guaranteed to get at least a momentary smile than her dad.
• Beards are cool looking, very manly, and make excellent hand holds for infants.
• The skin on your chin and cheeks is fairly tough, the skin on your neck is not… when my daughter grabs a handful of THAT part of my beard I go from tenor to soprano VERY quickly.
• The greatest sound in the world, one which can erase all memory (for a time) of the frustrations, is a pure unadulterated giggle - so far only accomplished by quick kisses on the neck so my beard can tickle the face at the same time.

Thats all for now, I’ll try and share more of these kind of lists periodically. If a lot of the items seem negative - well, it’s been a very tough four months so far. Here’s hoping the next four are a little bit easier.